‘Member when we argued on the concept of regret?
You were an expert even then, but not me, not yet
Now all you gotta do’s remind me that we met
And there ya got me, that’s how you got me, taught me to regret
‘Member how I asked you why are you so mean?
You didn’t know how to react to being seen…
‘Member how I was so sick and you didn’t believe me?
Then you got sick, too, and guess who took care of you?
You hated that, didn’t you, didn’t you?
Now, when you look at me, you’re condemned to see the monster your mother made you to be
And there you got me, that’s how you got free, you got rid of me…
Leave me alone.
the day ended with us
trying to our hardest
stories and poems
as the stars appeared
you took my hand and
i love you, that’s all
and i felt
the weight of those words
on my skin, sinking in,
and for the first time,
i knew their meaning.
When I could not love myself.
And you made me turn
From the way I saw myself.
And you’re patient, love.
And you helped me help myself.
we were nothing.
The witch is dead.
If you’re someone I owe an apology or an explanation, be looking for it soon. If you are one of the people who walk back into my life because of this, thank you. Not everyone deserves a second chance. And it is important to back up your words with actions. I see this very clearly now.
Seven years of lies and not entirely existing within reality caught up to me, along with the death of my father and numerous other things that have since taken place. To those of you who have stuck with me and by me, unfailingly patient even when you didn’t understand… unfailingly patient, even when I pushed you away… my sincerest gratitude and respect go out to you. As does my loyalty. Know that I will do my best to be the same strength to you that you were to me time and time again. I’m not going to go anywhere.
Throughout all of this, I have learned the importance of love and honesty and truthfulness… and even vulnerability (my least favorite thing!). Some of you have been rare, shining examples of all of these things, and I recognize how few people of this calibre exist. I cannot thank you enough for being examples of some of the things that have not been shown to me… even in childhood.
One of the many joys that can (and should!) come with age and parenthood is the ability to step outside of yourself, step outside of your hurts, step outside of the past… and BE the change that you want to see in your life. Forgiveness is key. Especially when it comes to forgiving yourself. Without that important step, it becomes impossible to continue to move forward, out of the mire and into the light.
It is a relief to not see some people with rose-colored glasses, and to be able to make the conscious decision to step away from friendships or relationships with people who refuse to be honest and who refuse to grow. It is a relief to be able to let go of the past. It is a relief to be able to refuse to take the blame for the poor decisions of others around me. It is a relief to be able to take responsibility for my own actions and failures. It is a relief to finally be able to say “no.”
To me, the most important thing is that this amazing little human being I helped to create grows up to be a strong woman who thinks for herself and has a servant’s heart. Clearly, the best way of teaching her how to do this is to live it, myself. I’ve found a lot of fulfillment, joy, and hope during this difficult process. And I expect to fail time and time again. But I’ve chosen to lean not on my own understanding of things, to heal, and to push forward.
I am incredibly fortunate to have some of you along for the ride. And I am also incredibly fortunate to now possess the ability to see clearly what is good and true and what is not.
Signs he is a sociopath:
not learning from experience
no sense of responsibility
inability to form meaningful relationships
inability to control impulses
lack of moral sense
chronically antisocial behavior
no change in behavior after punishment
lack of guilt
Sounds like someone I once knew.